An Embarrassing Confession: My First Kiss

Maximizing my work day, I was discussing with my friend Veronica about the everlasting debate on how a guy approaches a girl he is interested in. This got me thinking... I haven't had to do that ever. I've never experienced what it's like to approach someone and show interest; not when you had a girlfriend for as long as I did. But it made me think about a time when I actually had to...

This anecdote is a favorite amongst my circle of friends. And I love telling it. The story of my first kiss with Lynn. Enjoy.

There's a common theme for first kisses... the guy says something completely "douchey" right before he goes in for the kiss. I think it's because at such a young age, we don't have the crutch that is alcohol to help guide us. We're all on our own out there. And you need to think of a good way to get the girl close enough to you so you can land one on her.

So, it was at that part in the pre-relationship where you've hung out with the girl a couple times, but you aren't really official or anything. You know feelings are there, but no real push has been made yet. It was Lynn's 16th birthday on a cold, brisk October's eve. She still had her shiny braces and a thick brown pony tail. I had frosted blond tips and slung a Jansport backpack over one shoulder. I drove over to her house and it was just me, her mom, her best friend and myself.

Nothing big. Presents were opened. I had a slice of cake. Blah blah blah.

So it comes to that point in the evening where I need to go home. Lynn offers to walk me to my truck.

We're out there. It's cold. We're just talking and we're smack dab in that moment where a kiss is going to happen. I know it. She's knows it. But it's just a matter of getting to that perfect scenario. We start to run out of things to say (her presents, how she liked her birthday, what we're going to wear to school the next day, the fall of the Berlin Wall, etc) and we're a few feet apart. Close enough to have a conversation, but far enough to where I can't really hold her. I start to panic and just say the first thing that comes to my mind. I need to say something and it needs to be said now:

"Those flowers are brown"

Mind you, I am talking about some flowers on the side of her house that have not survived the October weather and for some reason, I say that. Immediately after saying that I am swearing up a storm in my head as I start to sweat profusely.

"Why the FUCK did you say that!? What the hell was that!? 'Those flowers are brown' What did you hope was going to happen, slick??"

She looks at me confused and says, "Uh... yeah I guess they are."

After I say this, I do something I think is completely smooth and manly. This is the COOLEST thing that I think I can do at this point. Something to make her swoon and give her the best memory of a 16th birthday a girl can have. She'll be putty in my arms. I grab her by the empty belt loops of her jeans and pull her next to me.

Damn, that's good.

She wraps her arms around me and again... at this point, I could have (SHOULD have) just gone in for the kill. Done deal. It would all be over. The "those flowers are brown" line was pretty toolish, but whatever, it can't get worse. I should have just kissed her...

But I don't.

I panic again and feel as though I have to say something else to break the silence. And I utter the three most humiliating words I can think of. Even before typing this out, I am starting to sweat a little bit...

The words that come out of my mouth are...

Am
I
buff
?

I'm not even a cocky guy. I wasn't even a cocky guy then. Who knows why I would have said that!? I was shaking like a leaf. A buff leaf, I guess.

So I gave her her very first kiss and on the drive home, I am just yelling and cussing and knocking myself in the forehead. "AmIbuffAmIbuffAmIbuff" What the hell. What the hell. To this day I still have absolutely NO idea what that means.

Ahh... young love.