Why Girls Remain The Most Mysterious Creatures of All Time

I just returned home from a particularly long day from the rat races when I received a good phone call from a female friend of mine.

As I was whisking eggs in a bowl to prepare my omelet din din, I held my cellphone between my ear and shoulder while she was telling me a story about a "cute boy" she had met. Earlier this evening, he had asked for her phone number and she had given it to him. She was interested in him.

Now, this isn't anything groundbreaking. Girls meet cute boys and if they seem harmless enough, the average girl will most likely give them their phone number to perhaps set up a time to later meet up to get to know each other better. This is one of the socially acceptable means in which we begin our mating dance, courtship rituals, etc.

I listened to her story and starting to add my diced mushrooms when she dropped a bomb on me. I dropped my spatula.

Before going further, I need to emphasize that my female friend is quite the fucking catch. Pretty (I would say "cute", but I've learned how well THAT goes over...), smart, and most importantly, hilarious. And I would like to ask my commenters to please be CIVIL when commenting on what I am about to reveal. She is a friend of mine and I know how harsh some of you can be when it comes to the decisions some people make. Such as what I am going to explain.

Bless her soul, she knows not what she does.

My Friend: You aren't going to believe it, but when I gave him my number and he started to put it in his cellphone...
So@24: Yes... yes?
My Friend: I caught a glimpse of his cellphone background and it was one of those wallpapers you can purchase...
So@24: What was it?
My Friend: ... a woman in a gold bikini.
So@24: ...
My Friend: When I asked about it, he got really embarrassed, tried to cover it and said, "People never really look at my cellphone"

...

...

...

I'm going to type that out again because it bears repeating.

The guy who she gave her number to and would like to see again, has his cellphone wallpaper as a woman in a gold bikini.

We caught up? Alright.

My mouth swung open like a trap door and I let my spatula drop to the counter. I didn't care if I could smell my eggs burning. What the fuck...

Maybe I'm jumping the fucking gun a little bit. Maybe I'm not giving her White Knight the benefit of the doubt. There has to be an explanation for this. How could this possibly be acceptable? I can really only fathom three reasons for this behavior:

"Oh shit. Yeah about the picture of the woman in a gold bikini set as my wallpaper on my phone? I was visiting a sick child at the hospital who lost all her hair due to chemo treatments and she told me her 'Make a Wish' would be that I purchase a wallpaper on my cellphone to a woman in a bikini."

or

"When I was rescuing a batch of Boston Terrier puppies from a burning building, my baby niece got a hold of my cellphone and must have accidentally pressed a series of buttons on my phone causing me to inadvertently purchase this picture of a woman in a bikini. Then she mashed some more buttons with her tiny knuckles and made it my background picture. I haven't had a chance to change it back yet because I've been volunteering at a local hospital's burn victim's unit"

or

"I'm 14."

However, I don't think this is why this particular dream boat did this. Because he didn't even try to lie about it. He said, "People don't usually see my cellphone" and tried to hide his cellphone like a hooker in a hollowed out bed spring.

Please. I'm begging the blogging community... why, why, why do quality girls do this? Apparently my friend didn't thoroughly read my entry on "Not Settling".

So@24: Are you serious?? And you still plan on seeing this guy? Why!?
My Friend: I'm not in the position to be turning guys away.

My omelet was now ruined. The smoke alarm was beeping incessantly. But instead of finding a fire extinguisher or dialing 9-1-1, I was imagining ways to throttle her with my frying pan.

I swear, I encounter this shit all the time. It's the biggest injustice in the world. Is this something that everyone eventually grows out of? Do the girls who hold the elusive tri-fecta having the qualities of being physically attractive, witty as hell, and smart as a whip have no idea that they possess this rare plutonium? It fucking baffles me. One of the greatest injustices of the world that guys with cellphone wallpapers of girls in gold bikinis are dating girls like this.

Not too long ago, I had a conversation with my exgirlfriend Lynn about this. I told her, that as someone who spent 6 intimate years with her, that I should at least have a say in the next guy she dates.

1. Don't settle.
2. He's gotta make you laugh.
3. He's gotta appreciate your humor and laugh with you.

I don't think that's too much to ask. And really, most girls should heed my advice. My criteria for my exgirlfriend's next boyfriend should be the same to every girl who possesses the ingredients of the perfect partner.

Let the douchebags dudes date the douchbag girls. Checks and balances, people.

Alas, this is why girls remain the most mysterious creatures of all time.