Please to repeat.
"I will read 'From Don Juan Pt. 1' before reading further"
Trust me, you'll be doing yourself a huge disservice by reading ahead without backstory.
We all set? Good. Let's continue.
* * *
Last Friday, I was in my cube busting out some serious Outlook shit when I got a text message from my friend May.
I didn't particularly like a lot of Lynn's friends in high school. But one that stood out was May. She's very blunt, sarcastic, crass and has the mouth of a sailor. She's good people to have around.
I still stay in contact with May and occasionally, she'll give me a call or text me to let me know she's in LA and meet up.
May's Text: Sorry this is last minute, but I'm in Pasadena. Do you want to meet up for a drink?
So@24's Text: Of course! Text me when you head to the bar.
I hadn't seen May for awhile, so I was excited for the reunion. I called up two of my buddies, Dave and Geoff to join me for drinks at my place before heading out.
Around 9:00, I get a text from May, "On my way! I should be there in 5!"
I wasn't in a rush. Dave and Geoff were still finishing their beers and it was still early. I didn't usher every one out of the door and into car until around 9:30.
On the road, I get a text from May, "Hey where are you??"
May is the type to get a little sassy at times and we have a playful banter so I shoot her one back, "Chill the fuck out, we're on our way!"
By the time we park, it's about 9:45. Dave, Geoff, and I head toward the bar. May calls me as we're walking up to the bar.
May: You here?
So@24: Yep, walking up now. Wait, you didn't pick a bar with cover did you? I never carry cash on me.
May: Uh... no. You should be fine.
So@24: Whew! See you in a bit!
As we step into the bar, I give a quick scan for May.
Nothing.
Must be in the bathroom.
Suddenly a girl stands up and addresses me, "So@24?"
So@24's Inner Monologue: Why does this girl look so familiar? Must be one of May and Lynn's friends that I met once and don't remember... better play it cool until I can place her.
So@24: Hey... you! Are we missing someone?
Girl: No...
It was at that very second that this happened...
This was the Match.com girl who had emailed me earlier in the week asking me for drinks.
Her name also happened to be May. I just hastily put her in my phone and forgot about her.
Oh fuck.
My high school friend May was not in town. She did not text me.
Oh fuck.
This is technically a "date".
Oh fuck.
I'm wearing ratty jeans, a dirty tshirt and haven't shaved for two days.
Oh fuck.
I'm 45 mins late.
Oh fuck.
I texted this girl, "Chill the fuck out" when she asked where I was.
Oh fuck.
I just came off looking like a complete cheapskate by bitching about paying cover.
Oh fuck.
I brought two of my friends with me.
Analysis: I am a complete and total moron.
I didn't particularly like a lot of Lynn's friends in high school. But one that stood out was May. She's very blunt, sarcastic, crass and has the mouth of a sailor. She's good people to have around.
I still stay in contact with May and occasionally, she'll give me a call or text me to let me know she's in LA and meet up.
May's Text: Sorry this is last minute, but I'm in Pasadena. Do you want to meet up for a drink?
So@24's Text: Of course! Text me when you head to the bar.
I hadn't seen May for awhile, so I was excited for the reunion. I called up two of my buddies, Dave and Geoff to join me for drinks at my place before heading out.
Around 9:00, I get a text from May, "On my way! I should be there in 5!"
I wasn't in a rush. Dave and Geoff were still finishing their beers and it was still early. I didn't usher every one out of the door and into car until around 9:30.
On the road, I get a text from May, "Hey where are you??"
May is the type to get a little sassy at times and we have a playful banter so I shoot her one back, "Chill the fuck out, we're on our way!"
By the time we park, it's about 9:45. Dave, Geoff, and I head toward the bar. May calls me as we're walking up to the bar.
May: You here?
So@24: Yep, walking up now. Wait, you didn't pick a bar with cover did you? I never carry cash on me.
May: Uh... no. You should be fine.
So@24: Whew! See you in a bit!
As we step into the bar, I give a quick scan for May.
Nothing.
Must be in the bathroom.
Suddenly a girl stands up and addresses me, "So@24?"
So@24's Inner Monologue: Why does this girl look so familiar? Must be one of May and Lynn's friends that I met once and don't remember... better play it cool until I can place her.
So@24: Hey... you! Are we missing someone?
Girl: No...
It was at that very second that this happened...
Quick Idea of What's Going On in So@24's Brain in Approx .00456 Seconds
This was the Match.com girl who had emailed me earlier in the week asking me for drinks.
Her name also happened to be May. I just hastily put her in my phone and forgot about her.
Oh fuck.
My high school friend May was not in town. She did not text me.
Oh fuck.
This is technically a "date".
Oh fuck.
I'm wearing ratty jeans, a dirty tshirt and haven't shaved for two days.
Oh fuck.
I'm 45 mins late.
Oh fuck.
I texted this girl, "Chill the fuck out" when she asked where I was.
Oh fuck.
I just came off looking like a complete cheapskate by bitching about paying cover.
Oh fuck.
I brought two of my friends with me.
Analysis: I am a complete and total moron.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Quick decision! Damage Control! It was like red alert in my brain. The submarine was hit and was flooding quick. Tons of sailors were scrambling to keep their balance and shut all the valves. The sub was going down.
So@24: Hey! Nice to meet you. Let me grab you a drink! What are you drinking there?
May: Just a beer.
So@24: Alright, I'll be right back.
I grabbed a confused Dave and Geoff by the collar and dragged them with me to the far corner of the bar. I gave them a 20 second explanation of what's going on. They laughed hysterically.
I tossed Geoff the keys. "Sorry buddy, you're driving tonight. Bartender? A pitcher of Bud Light and a shot of Jack please."
* * *
The rest of the night actually wasn't so bad. She didn't seem pissed or annoyed with my jackassary (I kept checking with Dave to make sure that she seemed fine). I bought all her drinks for her and I never caught any sign that she caught on that I was completely oblivious. She didn't show any signs of being phased by the unusual situation. We hung out until closing time, but the banter was what I had expected... beige. -shruggy-
I felt terrible! Augh! I went into this situation hoping that I could show this girl a good time and that not all online dating sites have guys who are complete tools.
And I came out looking like a total dick. Complete, complete failure. Not that I was remotely interested in her to begin with, but still...
How was I supposed to explain my mistake to her? "Oh sorry, you weren't important enough to remember your name." I panicked! I didn't know what to do.
Ugh. Maybe I should give her a call?
If there was any doubt how clueless I am... I think this settles the score, wouldn't you say?
Epilogue
The rest of the night actually wasn't so bad. She didn't seem pissed or annoyed with my jackassary (I kept checking with Dave to make sure that she seemed fine). I bought all her drinks for her and I never caught any sign that she caught on that I was completely oblivious. She didn't show any signs of being phased by the unusual situation. We hung out until closing time, but the banter was what I had expected... beige. -shruggy-
I felt terrible! Augh! I went into this situation hoping that I could show this girl a good time and that not all online dating sites have guys who are complete tools.
And I came out looking like a total dick. Complete, complete failure. Not that I was remotely interested in her to begin with, but still...
How was I supposed to explain my mistake to her? "Oh sorry, you weren't important enough to remember your name." I panicked! I didn't know what to do.
Ugh. Maybe I should give her a call?
If there was any doubt how clueless I am... I think this settles the score, wouldn't you say?
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