生日快樂, 寶貝!

親愛的莉莉,

今天是屬於妳的特別日子.我在這祝福妳生日快樂.謝謝妳出現在我的人生,謝謝妳愛著我.每一次當我在妳身邊醒來,那種感覺就像是我的生日.每一次妳的擁抱和親吻,那種感覺就像身在天堂.我不知道為何.為何我值得擁有這樣一個如此棒的女人.但我珍惜著與妳在一起的每一分每一秒,可惜地,今年我無法和妳共度生日,但我希望妳能感受到我從遠方送來的愛每一天我想念著妳,每一天我再次與妳在夢中相見.但是今日,讓我們忘記距離吧.

我愛妳,你的男朋友寧諾

[Written with help from Cherry]

Adrift

You know, life bears many surprises, every day, every week, every month, every year. Would you have known where you are today a year ago? Probably not. Young people of today are dynamic, we travel cross the world, we live a bit here, a bit there... and the we blog about it. We share our experiences. And what did I realize? I realized that living in another country bears many challenges, but it's also very rewarding. But one thing it's for sure: It never gets boring.

My Taiwan adventure has come to halt for now. I'm officially back in Slovenia, but I take this more as vacation than anything else. I had to return home for reasons I don't want to disclose here, all I can say is, I had a great time in the past few months. Although my blog gave you the impression that I'm constantly traveling and enjoying myself with my cute girlfriend, that wasn't always the case. Yes, I had a lot of fun, especially on the weekends, where my girl and I had time to go to places and spend the days together. But in between she was working and I was working, too. It was a very valuable experience for me, the people who I was working for, were very sad to see me leave, on the last day they even gathered to wish me good luck on my way back. This chapter is now closed for me, but I need to add: I will be back soon. Oh yeah. I decided to spend the summer here and my Taiwanese girlfriend will visit me next month! I'm so excited :-D I will show her a little bit of Vienna and a whole lot of Slovenia, maybe even parts of Italy or Hungary. We'll see what's possible in the 2 weeks she'll stay here at my family's house.

Sometimes we do our best, but it's still not enough and we have to stop for a moment, accept the facts and set new objectives for ourselves. At the time when that happens, we feel frustrated, but then our life goes on. And in a year, two or three we look back again to that same moment and realize that what seemed to be bad luck turns out as a blessing in disguise. I believe that this is the case in my current situation. I'm actually totally fine now, but one thing is really hard: I'm missing my girl. I'm missing her every day, every moment. I have never cried so hard at any airport so far. She's totally under my skin... I love her. But I'm not looking back anymore, only forward. I'll greet her in Europe soon and then you'll be able to read "Cute Taiwanese girl's Slovenia adventures" :-) I'm sure it'll be tons of fun. I'll still be blogging about Taiwan, less here on my blue blog and more on my green blog, which will also be full of not only Taiwan related topics, but also a lot about my travels from the past, which I haven't written about yet (such as Hong Kong...), Asian women, funny crazy stuff, random.. Expect the unexpected (business as usual, hehe).

Please subscribe to my green blog, if you're interested or follow via Google friend connect. And keep following here, too. I really appreciate it. I'm a bit adrift these days, trying to realize, that my body is in Slovenia, while my head is still in Taiwan. Your support really means a lot to me, your comments crack me up. I love you, guys. Let's have a great 2010 together, shall we? :-)

[Photo from Bangkok airport, stopover on the way home, by MKL, 2010]

We met on @Twitter exactly 1 year ago!

My girlfriend and I met on Twitter last June

The Kissing Rocks, Kenting, Taiwan, where we shared a special moment.

I think @she followed me on Twitter before I followed her. I wasn't as interested in her, because she tweeted a lot in traditional Chinese and even Japanese. But I allowed her following me... Her profile photo was a Japanese actress and her #Twitter bio said she was from Taiwan. So I was a bit confused, is she Chinese or Japanese? I had no idea, but I didn't do anything about it. And so she was following me... Until one day I tweeted following:

@ninnoart Today is raining all day. Guess what? It rained all day yesterday. And you won't be shocked when I say: It will rain tomorrow, too :-(((

This is the first tweet she decided to reply to. She said:

@ninnoart Is your place in raining season now? and another one @ninnoart We have rainy season in Apr., always called "Plum Rain" in meteorology. But this year it rains few n we may get water-lack crisis.

And then I replied and started to follow her back. She added me on Facebook and I saw how beautiful she really was. We tweeted regularly for months, but we were just being friends. Until we fell in love and I decided to go to Taiwan to be with her... and that story you already know well, hehe. So no need to repeat myself here. ;-)

Dear baby! Thank you for all the amazing and precious moments we have shared in the past year, be it as friends or as lovers. They are all stored in my heart and sealed forever. You are amazing and precious. Please never change. 我愛你, 寶貝! Happy twitterversary and happy tweeting. Let's make it another awesome year, shall we? :-)

Next year you'll get a cake like this! Deal? :-P

我的道

Exactly 3 months ago my foot stepped on Asian soil and ever since I had the best time of my life. I couldn't be happier and I couldn't be more grateful that I am in this moment. Special thanks to my mother, I'm so happy for the support of my family back in Slovenia. And of course big big thanks to the girl, who made me do this, my amazing girlfriend Lily, who made every of my days in Taiwan at least pleasant, if not special and unforgettable. My path was never straight, it was always winding and unpredictable, but I'm so happy, that I always kept going and never stopped, not even paused. I know that I'll have many great months, no, years in Asia and I hope it'll be with you by my side, in my arms. Let this small anniversary be reason for celebration. Our journey just started, dear. It will be a great year. It already is.

[I ❤ Asia][I ❤ Taiwan][I ❤ You]

8 and 8 is our double happiness

Today it's our 8 months anniversary.............................and it's also my 8th day in Taiwan

You found me exactly 8 months ago, on 23rd June 2009, when you replied to my tweet. Isn't it amazing how time flies? Of course, we weren't more than strangers 8 months ago. I remember, that you didn't even have your photo on Twitter, but instead you had a picture of a Japanese actress. And since you also tweeted in Japanese, I wasn't sure, whether you were Chinese or Japanese. I was like: Who is this girl? She says she's from Taiwan, but is she a Japanese girl in Taiwan? I have no idea.

And that's how it started. We tweeted and tweeted occasionally, for many months we weren't close at all. Until that day, when you sent me a DM and asked me to listen to you as a friend and share my opinion on your then complicated circumstances. We became closer, we became friends. We chatted on MSN every day and discussed various issues. I listened to you, you listened to me. Days passed fast and suddenly we felt an attraction, suddenly we sensed that we're more than just friends. That overwhelmed us and we became scared and we slowed down. We needed time. The year was nearly ending and there weres days, where we didn't know where this was going. But even in the hardest times, we couldn't stay away from each other. And then came that day, when you said you are wholly mine. I won't forget that moment. It was the day where you took a leap of faith and did it. You opened up to me like never before and we became a couple before we even met. We talked about everything, we dreamed, we planned, we hoped. And if you look back on those past 8 months, we made a big portion of these dreams come true in only 8 days. Isn't that amazing?
Today I passed by that spot, where you took that famous photo of the lovers in Taipei and it struck me: Wow. This is real, I'm really here, that's us now! I'm now the one who's walking hand in hand around this bustling city with a beautiful woman.
The most amazing thing about you is how humble you are. You're intelligent, gorgeous, funny, cute, hard-working, caring and loving. You always do good jobs, you always seek perfection in everything you do. You always put others infront of yourself and you always keep your word. A woman like you is hard to find. And guess what, I didn't even look for you, because I feared that someone like you doesn't even exist outside my dreams. Yet you found me. Again, how amazing is that? And it happened exactly 8 months ago and I believe 8 is a lucky number. Not only for you or for the Chinese, also for me. You turned my life upside down, you made me not only dry the tears of my past, but you also made me love again. You made me love deeply, you made me happy again with all the small things you do for [and to] me every day, ever since I've met you. Be it a tweet or a hug, be it your call, when you miss me or worry about me, be it holding my hand or kissing me many times when we come home - you always make me a happy man. Every time you smile, my heart skips a beat. I know it's sounds cheesy, but that's exactly what happens. You make me feel romantic, you make me feel confident, that I'm doing the right thing.
You made me fly half around the world and I don't regret it a single day, a single second. Every moment spent with you is like a dream come true. You're just amazing. I thank you for EVERYTHING you've done to me so far and that was A LOT. I hope people will understand how lucky I am. I feel like the luckiest man in the world. Even winning the lottery can't beat what we have, our closenes, when we lay in bed embraced and when I'm looking into your deep radiant eyes and see how your sexy lips are approaching mine.

You're one of a kind, baby. Simply amazing. I'm so lucky. I hope our fairy tale continues beyond these 8 months and 8 days, because I haven't had enough of your sweet kisses yet.

謝謝你. Thank you so much. 我愛你,寶貝. I love you, baby.

Happy anniversary! :-D

Bye bye Maribor, Slovenia, Europe...

This will be my last post before Taiwan. Now I really need time to prepare everything for my upcoming trip and to say bye to my family and friends. I will be less online in the next days and in case you don't hear from me, please assume that I'm fine. Either I'm in the air or already walking around Taipei with my girl. Most of you will be able to track everything on Twitter and Facebook. Anyway, for my last post, I decided to do something special. I asked my girl to write about how she imagines our first meeting and what she expects and fears the most and I will write about the same topic below her part. Most of you know, that we've found each other online and chatted for many months, but we've never met in real. And after I'm safe and sound in Taiwan, we will write another post and tell you what really happened :-) I assume you won't get something like that to read any time soon, so I hope you enjoy these two posts.

EXPECTATIONS, by her:

I was asked to write about what are my expectations for the first meeting at the airport? Well, that's a good question. I don't have a lot of experience of welcoming friends at our main airport, and I only went there twice. So when I thought about it, this came to my mind:

- How to take buses there?

- Where will be the meeting point?

- What should I wear?

- Should I give him a hug first and then kisses on his cheeks like Westerners always do in the movies?

Hard questions.

I have to say, I didn't have any Western friends before I got to know him. When it came to foreign friends, I only had some from Japan and China, but I didn't need to pick up any of them at the airport. Most of the times, when I met them, was in a group along with several other friends and someone else would welcome them at the airport and bring them to a restaurant, where held a welcome party for them. But this time I have to do it all by myself. And since I'm so unexperienced, my expectations are very basic:

- I hope I don't get lost at the airport and that everything goes smoothly.

- I would like to wear long boots, a short skirt, with perfect make up and hair. I'll try my best to look hot. But I wonder, if the high heels would make me walk like a duck and I also hope that my new boots won't give me blisters.

- I'm still thinking about how to welcome him: I should give him a hug first, right? Then kisses? Friendly kisses on the cheeks or a short one on the lips? If the kiss is on the lips, ehm, that would be our first kiss (shy). OK, whatever will be, I hope I can do it well.

- My bags. I'm just not able to bring only few things anywhere I go. Even on a 2 days short trip I would bring big travel bags! Imagine me waiting for him and wearing high boots, a short skirt and with 2 bags? And he said he would only bring a backpack! I wonder who will welcome who at the airport? That would look like he's picking me up! So I hope I manage to bring fewer things with me this time.

In just few days I will meet him in real! Some of my friends ask me: "You must feel excited! Are you nervous?" I reply: "Yes! Of course." But I don't feel nervous because of him, I'm nervous, because it's my first such experience.

I'm already nervous now.

EXPECTATIONS, by me:

I must say, unlike her, I've done something like that before. Most of you know, that my ex was from Malaysia and so I was in this kind of situation few years ago. The only difference is, that I am a bit older and more experienced in travelling and meeting people, especially around some parts in Asia. It's true, I've never been to Taiwan, so the first fear that comes to my mind is the unfamiliar airport. But from the information I have, it's very modern and visitor friendly and I guess, it can't be that different from Singapore and Hong Kong. All I need to do is pass the immigration, find my luggage and spot her among all the people who wait for their sweethearts at the arrival hall. I told her, she better spot me, because while there will most likely be only few young blonde men, I'm expecting a lot young Taiwanese girls waiting for someone. And I guess I will be the one, who swings his head like a mad rooster all over the place, hehe. Maybe I should just keep my calm, walk slowly and let her find me? I shall see. Maybe I will pass by her and she'll jump on me from behind? Or maybe cover my eyes with her hands and ask: "Guess who?!" Haha.. No idea. I guess I need to pay close attention and start spotting cute girls right on [a skill I've mastered to near perfection by now, hehe]. Anyway, I think we will be fine. I will hug her when I see her, but I'm not planning beyond that, what happens happens. The more plans you have, the more likely they fail [oh, yeah, I've been there...]. I don't really worry about our first meeting, we're so close already, we'll be fine. My real worries are that I won't miss a train or the plane, that everything goes smoothly at the two immigrations and that my luggage won't be lost. I hope there's no delays, no bad food [ok, how could that be, EVA Air is Taiwanese!]. Anyway, my flight will be nearly 15h long and I really wonder, how I will be able to take that. I flew the longest from Paris to Singapore, it took me 13h and it seemed endless! And now even longer? Wow. I just hope I will be able to sleep a little, best would be 8h, but if I manage to sleep for 6, I will be happy already. It's funny, I can sleep like 10h straight in my own cozy bed, but I always have a hard time sleeping on airplanes. Of course coach is not same as my bed, but well. I still see most people dozing off easily and I'm one of the few who keeps turning their head around wondering how can everyone sleep but me. Ah, whatever.

To be honest, I have real fears, but those go beyond the flight and first meeting. Will I be able to get a job? Will I find one fast? Will I be able to perform well? It's a totally new life I'm about to start and so many things are unknown. If I was the old me, I might freak out, but the new me tries to be optimistic. I say to myself: "At least I'm trying. My worst case scenario is coming back from Asia in 2 or 3 months, because I haven't gained ground there. But even in that case I will have one of the most awesome times of my life." So there's will be no regrets. We'll see what happens. I hope I can be as bold as the tiger :-)

Au revoir!

[Related: Hello Taiwan!][Photo by MKL, 2010]

Lovers in Taipei

Thoughts about my upcoming journey

My days are passing fast lately and my departure to Taiwan is closer day by day. I'm not really nervous or so, but I do think a lot about Taipei and her, about how things will be there, how will I feel and how good I will blend in the new life style and environment. I think I will be fine, I'm actually very postive. But sometimes it feels like when you go swimming and you're afraid to jump into the pool, because you fear the water will be too cold. Of course in the end you jump in and the shock you feared before turns out to be very brief and harmless. Soon you're swimming around and enjoying it so much, you don't want to get out. I'm not sure, if this comparison makes any sense, but this waiting reminded me of that.

Besides waiting, there's really not much going on in my life currently. I mean, sure, I'm making plans, I'm taking care of some things, sending tons of CVs, gathering information... You can never plan too much, but then again, there's only so much I can do now. I need to be there and go to interviews personally. I mean, it only makes sense. They need to see and hear me in real and I have to make a good impression - in real. So I guess it takes a leap of faith to do something like that. Speaking of faith, at least I have a guardian angel there: my girl. She's really so caring and sweet, she's my pillar there, I know I can trust her and rely on her. That gives me hope and confidence.

Do you see the photo above? She sent me this one few days ago. It's two lovers in Taipei and it even looks like he's white like me (click to enlarge). It made me think: Wow. In few weeks I can be at the exactly same spot with my girl. That's just mind-blowing to me. Because every day, when I wake up, I see the snow covering the landscape, it's a long cold winter and so was my love life for a long time. I didn't hold a girl in my arms for exactly a year. It's about time: I need a girl in my arms, her lips on my lips and my eyes lost in her eyes. And that will happen soon. It's a big journey for me, it's a long way to Taipei. But guess what? It's worth it. You know, I'm someone who doesn't just say: "Girl, I'd fly half around the world just to be with you" and then not do it ;-) I do it. I'm doing it. I'm gonna jump in the pool very soon - because she's worth it.

What I'll miss in Taiwan

And what I'm looking forward to in Taiwan

Image: Where would you rather be now? At my home or in Taipei?

My departure to Taiwan is closer day by day and you can imagine that I have many things on my mind. Some of the most essential questions are how will I like it there and what will I miss from here. And by here I mean my home in Slovenia. It's hard to say, really, but since this is not a scientific blog, I'll try to speculate a little. It's my 5th big trip to Asia, so by now I pretty much know what to expect. On the other hand, it's my first trip to Taiwan, so I can only assume some things. So far everybody says it's a great country and that I will have a lot of fun. But we'll see.

Let me tell you first about the things I will definitely miss while going to Taiwan:

1 My mum and my sisters: I'll definitely miss my family, which is small, but we only have each other. I know they'll miss me, too. They're used to me being in Asia, so it's not a new things to them, but it's still not easy to them and to me. I'm happy that my mum just recently got a new boyfriend and I know he'll take good care of her. My sisters are busy with their boyfriends, so they already don't have time for me. I'm totally fine being so far, if everything here is alright.

2 My cat Miša: This little kitty is 5 years old and ever since she was born, I claimed her as my own. I gave her the name and I was the only one who liked her first. She didn't like to cuddle with others, only with me. At that time, we had 5 cats and my mum and sisters had their own favourites. 5 years later we only have 2 cats and my Miša has become everyone's darling. Now she cuddles with everyone, but I must say we have a special bond and she knows that. I know I will break her small heart: Sorry Miša, but there's a girl waiting for me. I need to leave and I know my mum will take good care of you. Soon there will be spring and you can catch mice and birds and enjoy the warm sun. I will think of you and miss you and I know, you will miss me, too.

3 Some food: I generally love Asian food, especially Chinese specialties, so I won't really miss anything from home. Maybe some of my mum's dishes she makes so well. The pizza is better here, the chocolates, too. And we have different kinds of juices here, but well, I miss so many Asian things like soy drink and all kinds of noodles, that's a real compensation for everything I might not be able to eat or drink in Taiwan.

4 German TV: I'm used to watch German TV since I was a little boy (we didn't and still don't have Slovenian TV, because of the weak signal). I know all the things that are going on in Germany, be it politics, sports or entertainment, so I'm used to watch some of those channels daily. Switching to Taiwanese TV won't be so easy. I've watched Taiwanese channels while staying in Malaysia, so I know what they're all about: Drama, talk shows and music shows. Not bad, but I need to improve my Mandarin significantly to be able to enjoy them.

5 My mum's coffee: I almost forgot about the coffee I drink here sometimes three times a day. We cook Turkish coffee at home in Slovenia, which may not taste good to most of you, who are used to Starbucks or Italian coffee with all its variations. So I really need to find a good coffee place in Taipei. If I don't, I'm gonna make my own at home.

6 My car: I inherited my car from my grandpa, who [by the way] died exactly today one year ago. I know how he loved his car, he always washed it and took good care of it. I didn't really use this car a lot, but I really cherish it. It's a Renault Clio 2002. It's small, but cosy and reliable. Recently my little sister is using it much more than me, because she rides to school every day. I think I'm gonna leave it to her, if I really manage to stay in Taiwan permanently. I don't have the heart to sell it, she really needs it and it would be unfair. I hope she keeps it well.

That's about it when it comes to things I may most definitely miss when I'm away. Now let's see some things I definitely look forward to in my upcoming trip to Taiwan:

1 My dear girl: She's really one of a kind. I haven't blogged about her much, so let me tell you few things about her. She's everything I always wanted in a girlfriend: She's intelligent, hardworking, kind, polite, beautiful, funny and sweet. She's flexible and adaptable, open to new things. And she always keeps her word. That's what impressed me most. Ever since we realized that we like each other, which is quite a long while ago, she chatted and still chats with me every day at the same time. Imagine that! If she couldn't make it, she'd apologize. I'm same like her in this regard, so I also always kept my word and always talked with her at the same time, too. And we grew closer and closer, as close as two people can be by meeting only online and living in two different continents. I must say, it wasn't always easy. We had our ups and downs and days, where we were lost. But we faced all our challenges and we always sorted things out. And the past two months were some of the happiest for me in a long time. We're so close now and we're strong and excited. All we can do now is to wait. But luckily time flies. And so will I, soon. And I know that she's really worth every penny I invest in this trip and every second I spend chatting with her. It's a pity that I won't be flying to her on Valentine's day, because then it would be the most romantic thing a guy could ever do on that day, don't you think? ^_~

2 People: I really look forward to meet many awesome people in Taiwan. I hope I can make a lot of friends, be it locals or foreigners. I will be there with an open mind and with the valuable experience of my previous trips. I may need some time to understand all the local customs and rules, but I have my girl to help me out with that. I hope that major blunders won't happen. Oh, and I might add you in this group of 'people'. Yes, I'm talking about so many of you dear bloggers/readers, who said you'll come to Taiwan this year. If I'm there and you have spare time, I'd definitely be happy to meet you. We'll keep in touch and discuss the meetings before you come. Looking forward to that.

3 Food: Everytime I say I will go to Taiwan, people tell me: Oh, you'll love the food! The food is amazing! We'll see, hehe. I wonder how the stinky tofu will taste and other Taiwanese specialties. I wonder, if the food is really that different than what I ate among the Chinese Malaysians in Penang and Batu Pahat. We shall see. But all this food talk makes me very excited, hehe.

4 Nature: Taiwan is a beautiful island with a breathtaking landscape. Ok, lets be romantic and forget the typhoons and earthquakes and focus on the beautiful mountains and beaches. I hope to make some unforgettable memories with my girl there.

5 Climate: Taiwan is hot most of the year. They have a winter now, but there's no snow and it doesn't go below zero Celsius. That's enough for me to make me happy already, hehe. And I expect not to have that horrible hay fever I have here every spring. It will be so much better for my health to skip another spring here, which would have been yet another unpleasant time of sneezing and itchy red eyes.

6 Mandarin: I love Mandarin and I hope I can learn it well. I need to be around Taiwanese and then I'm sure I'll be speaking it well by the end of year. It's my dream to speak Mandarin (besides Slovenian, German, English and a bit of Swedish, Italian, Croatian and Malay), because I'm awesome like that ^_~

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Ok, I'm gonna wrap it up here. I could go on with much more things, but it's ok for now, these are the most important ones and the post is too long already. Before you leave, please check the short video of me and my kitty Miša. You'll see how close we are and how she likes me.

Ok, one last thing before I go. My dear friend Wenny wrote such a touching post about me, if you have some spare time, please check that post, she wrote a brilliant piece about me and my love story with the name: My Bubble: Where is Slovenia? Thank you so much, sis! ^_^

• How do you like my things I'll miss and look forward to?
• What things would you miss or look forward to?

[Photo on top: by MKL 2009, Lily 2009, Miša photo: MKL 2010]

Happiness can make you insecure

"Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have."

~by unknown

I'm very happy recently. I'm positive, I'm hopeful and things go according to my plans. And yes, I'm in love. So I really can't complain about anything at this moment. It's even hard to blog these days, because I don't see things negative, I don't even think too much about various issues that don't relate to my life.

But you know, happiness sometimes scares me, because in my life I've had more unhappy moments than happy ones. And when I was down, I knew it will get better. When I hit rock bottom, I knew I could only raise up again. But what happens after being on top for a while? My fear would be that suddenly something bad would happen, which would make me unhappy again. I haven't been happy for a long time and therefore I really cherish how things are recently and I just want to keep them this way. So it's no wonder, that at times I get insecure about the smallest things. It's like I'm just anticipating that something bad might happen again. Lucky for me that's very rare these days. I'm much stronger than I used to be in the past and usually a talk with a friend or with my dear helps very quickly.

I hope in the next few weeks and months I will be able to blog about my adventures in Asia. Yes, I'm planning to go to the East next year, to a lovely little country, find work and stay there as long as possible. All details will be announced at the right time. I just hope things go smoothly and that I can stay as happy as I am now also in the months ahead. I wish the same to all of you: Cherish what you have and may it last for a long time.

Good luck.

[Photo by Lils]

Thoughts of the moment

Thought one: Why do so many new followers of my blog think I was female? Maybe because I follow mostly women and get along well with women, adore women, post many pics of women, write about women, chat on MSN with many women... Maybe :P

Thought two: Why do some people write whole essays with links and quotes, when they comment, just to state their opinion prove they're right? I think it's no point to that, unless we're talking about facts, not opinions. But some people are obsessed and don't stop, even ridicule you, just to feel superior. Oh dear, do you know how I can laugh about people like you? :P

Thought three: Is it possible, that a friend, to whom I've slowly distanced myself this year would make up a fake break up just to lure me to call him and meet him? I was a long and loyal friend until half a year ago, where he behaved like he's my father and lectured me. From that time on I ignored him. And now few days ago, his girlfriend texted me and begged me to call him, cuz they supposedly broke up and he's devastated and in need of a friend. I asked her to write an email and tell me what exactly happened. Few days later: Nothing. [Weird.] Something smells fishy. :(

Thought four: How come anticipating a birthday is such a thrill, but after you say happy birthday at the actual day, the whole thrill is gone? So many people close to me had birthdays and it was really a very interesting time. But now that it's passed, I feel so empty. I guess it's same when people, who celebrate Christmas (I'm not), anticipate that day. But a day after boredom sinks in and the chocolate Santa doesn't taste as good as a day before. Weird. -_-

Thought five: Is it possible to adore someone and be totally crazy about them, yet still have reasonable expectations? Well, I think it's possible, but it's a fine line to walk. In the past, I would adore someone for the wrong reasons. Now, around age 30, I feel I know what I really want: I realized that I really need someone who's character suits me well, who shares similar views, dreams and expectations for the future and who's mellow, easygoing and flexible like me. I had complicated, I had inflexible, I had partners with too different views, dreams and expectations... They were all incredible women, but we were just too different. Now it seems I found someone who suits me well and the question I asked 6 month ago here may be finally answered. And yes, I adore her for who she is, not what I think she might be. :)

Please choose one or more topics and leave a comment. As always I really appreciate your opinions and I'm very happy to see you always return to my little online getaway. Thank you!

Love: Teenage dreams vs. adult expectations

A great thing about being an adult is that you become more stable when it comes to love and expectations. I'm now in my late twenties and these are the things that definitely changed since I was a teenager:

1 I won't be in love with someone and not tell them: I remember being a teen and having this 2 years long crush on a class mate. When I finally had the courage to profess my feelings to her, she rejected me. That was painful and threw me even further back. I had some other crushes after that, but I was too much of a chicken to let another girl know how I feel. That changed soon as I became a twen and met my first love. Now, being almost 30, I take the risk quickly. If I like someone, I hint first and if she's responsive, I tell her that I like her. If she also likes me - great. If not - also fine. No big tragedy. In my teen years: A big tragedy!

2 I'm more confident about myself and the way I look: I remember that as a teen I always felt ugly. Well, who hasn't felt that way as a teen, right? It's like the no 1 issue when you're a teen. Seems like as teens we were constantly insecure: One pimple appeared and the whole day was spoilt. One person was spreading a rumour or bitching about you behind your back and you wanted to kill yourself. Yep! Teen years were tough. I can proudly say that I am a happy vet: My wars with my insecurities are over. I do deem myself as somewhere in the middle, though. I'd not say I look like a male model from a Paris fashion show [*I may qualify for the Pasir Ris fashion show, though, hehe], but I wouldn't say I was ugly either. I feel I'm somewhere in between, but I learned to play my charms. I realized that the older you get, the looks become less and less important. Now I feel, if looks are your only asset and you have nothing else, it's just not enough [when I was a teen, it was!]. Now I think a person's character is what makes a person, really. I soooo admire beautiful women (as you may have noticed from my blog), but I always see more than what meets the mere eye. I always imagine that they are kind and polite, lovely, passionate, pure, funny and much more, depends on the photography, the setting and the mood. I like to project my own emotions in them, but I know that I may be wrong. But when it comes to art, there's no right or wrong.... right?

3 I have reasonable expectations for a long term relationship: I admitted many times - I'm a hopeless romantic. Nevertheless, I'm reasonable. I know that, if you want to be with someone long long time, the romantic feelings are not enough. I do enjoy the initial phase of being in love, but that only lasts few months, if you're lucky, maybe a year. But for 5, 10, 20 years or longer, you need to have something more than just a sexual attraction and irrational projections. I try to love the person for who they are, focusing on the character more than the looks. Of course, I can give tons of compliments to the girl I like by telling her she's cute, sexy, gorgeous. Because, frankly, that's how I see her [and the best is, if she has both]. But to seriously consider a woman as my lifetime partner, I focus more on her character. I would want to know stuff like: Are you adaptable and flexible? Are you kind? Are you deep and considerate? What are your interests, passions? Do you cherish family? What are your goals in life? Are you loving and loyal and do you keep your promises? Are you humble and appreciative? If her answers match my expectations, then I will definitely be willing to do a lot to be with her. I'm not expecting a perfect woman, far from that. But after my 3 previous serious relationships didn't work out, I'm just more careful and I guess I've matured. At least I hope so.

How about you? What are your expectations?
How did you change since your teen years?

[Links: Also check Shingo's post on the same topic][Photo modified by me: Source]

I am not a ghost man

I didn't colonialize the East, I didn't enslave the South, I didn't conquer the West.

I was born human. You say I was born white. I may look different than you, but I'm just like you. I don't see colors, I see people. And I'm friendly to anyone who's friendly to me.

It's not my fault that people who belonged to the same race as I commited so many crimes against humanity in the past. It's not my fault that people who belong to the same race as I think they're superior to other races. I won't be responisble for future crimes comitted by people who belong to the same race as I.

I am not an ambassador of my race abroad, nor am I an ambassador of my continent, my country, my hometown, my age group, my gender.

I am my own ambassador.

So how about instead of calling me khawaga, farang, barang, gwailo, angmoh, laowai, atoka, gaijin, kojangi, mat salleh, bule, puti... call me by my name?

[Photo taken in Penang, 2007]

Dreams can come true

My dreams will come true.

[Photo: Source]

Who are you really?

"The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play."

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Have you ever looked in the mirror and asked yourself Who am I really in a brief moment, where time and space seemed to disappear and you suddenly felt that you're the main character in a movie and your whole life is the setting?

It happened to me a while ago before brushing my teeth. I was very tired. I looked at the mirror with my weary eyes and drowsy head and I suddenly started gazing at my face. I thought: Is that me? Is that how others see me? Who am I? Am I beautiful? Can I be beautiful to others? So many questions running thru my head in that moment. In order to get my senses back, I had to shake my head. I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

But the questions remained. Especially How do others see me is a permanent one. It's a question that helps me to behave well and to be respectful and mindful of others. Don't we all want to look good in the eyes of others? And it doesn't mean we're overly vain, it's a normal human condition, both sociological and biological. Of course, if you overdo it, the result will be the opposite. People will realize you try too hard and you're being fake. So you need to find a balance between careless and fake. I think most people are somewhere inbetween (including myself).

But for the new generation, the internet became a pool of vanity. Suddenly everyone's a model, we all pose, we all put the cutest, the prettiest, the handsomest pics on our Facebook profile. We're all fashionable, we're all sociable, we're all smart (thanks Google and Wikipedia), we're all the coolest peeps in every story we post on our blogs and so on... We can create a whole virtual identity, an altered one (a fake one?), an exaggerated one, but that won't change who we really are. Of course I'm not talking about everyone, but about those who are trying too hard. Be it online or offline, we can't play a role 24/7. At one point we have to face ourselves. We have to look in the mirror. It's a sobering and humbling moment.

Even Michael Jackson once sang: I'm starting with the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways...

So... who are you really?

[Photo: My sunnies]

October is here! Hope lives on.

October
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care
October
And kingdoms rise
And kingdoms fall
But you go on

by Bono Vox, U2 (Video)

September is over! Finally. And what can I say, it was one of the best months of this year for me. It hasn't been so good since my trip to Hong Kong in January and the Chinese new year celebrations in Malaysia soon after, with the countless sleepless nights playing mahjong. After I returned back to Europe, things have gone pretty bad and the hardest part was the break up. I needed few months to find some meaning in my life. I blogged a lot, tweeted a lot and at least it helped me to ease my pain. It was totally therapeutic, but it worked. And then came September, a month to remember. I found my happiness again. I felt special again, valuable and needed again. It's not as if my whole circumstances changed, basically I am in the same position as I was before. The only difference is, my views shifted. I am positive. I have hopes and dreams. I believe in love again. I have ambitions. I want to travel, learn, evolve. I want to experience so much and I feel confident in achieving all the goals I set for myself in September. And now it's October. And I feel it can only get better. Maybe the beginning and the end of this year will make it up for the horrible in-between time, that made my life so difficult this year. I am hopeful.

How was your 2009 so far?

[photo taken near my house]

I will fly again.

Like almost every night, I go outside infront of our house and look at the stars. It got colder lately, but I still stand there every night and look up. It's like a ritual before sleep. It's a marvellous display of tiny little dots and I'm always mesmerized by them. It reflects my mood. I'm dreamy. Reflective. Hopeful. I'm captivated by its sheer infinity and I feel so small - my problems, desires, fears and expectations seem so insignificant. Yet, they are there. They are real. That's who I am. And then I see a moving dot. It's an aeroplane. I close my eyes and picture myself being on one. I remember the time when I flew thru the night, everyone was sleeping and I watched over them. I felt at ease.

I miss flying. I miss knowing that I will depart and arrive. I miss the feeling of anticipating the person who waits for me. The fears, the excitement, the shyness, the smiles. I miss being the real me in another country, far far away. I know I will fly again. I feel it. Zewt once said that you need to run towards something and not run away from something. He was right. But it's not easy to do so, especially for those of us, who feel like they have two homes. I think I will always travel. If you think about it - everybody does. The difference is what distance. Some people leave a small trail in life, I feel I'm destined to leave a big one. I'm drawn to the Far East and I don't even know why. Maybe it's a gut feeling. Maybe it's my past life. I just can't explain it. But how many things in life can you really explain? Can you explain love?

Think about it.

[picture taken in Hong Kong, Jan 2009]

Is it fate when two fall in love?

It's probably one of those questions that can't really be answered, but I'll ask it anyway: Is it fate when two people fall in love?

It happens so many times that two people meet, talk, get to know each other. They develop feelings, fall in love and eventually come together, even marry. A classic love story. And then you look back with your partner and you think: It must have been fate how we met and fell in love. This assumption may be right or wrong.

Here's how I see it. Either you see fate in every little thing that happens to you or you see fate only in big things in life. Or you see everything as a mere coincidence. Anything's possible, depends on your perception of reality. But let's focus on fate.

Let's say you see fate in every little thing that happens in your life. Then you're the kind of person that sees signs and deep meanings in things that may be just ordinary to others. I think such understanding of reality can be defendable, if you don't go into extremes and read to much into insignificant things. But then again, what is insignificant? It's a fairly subjective matter and it's debatable as well.

On the other hand, there's people who see fate in big things in life. Those would be occasions where someone's life was instantly changed - like an unexpected death, accidents, sickness, winning the lottery... and most likely in this group as well: Finding the love of your life.

And then we have to clarify: What is the love of one's life? We all have different criteria for that. Some people live for the moment, change partners like it's the most natural thing. They can have multiple relationships, marriages, affairs, flings and still feel good about themselves. That's totally legitimate - to each his own.

I (on the other hand) am just not that kind of man. I always get attached to the woman I love, that's why I'm looking for something long and lasting. I know this romatic concept seems to be outdated these days, but as I said many times: I am a hopeless romantic. I still hope, wish, anticipate that one woman who would be with me for a long long time or as we usually say in a poetic way: Forever!

But you can never know. Life has so many unexpected twists and turns. Who knows, if I will have these romantic expectations in 10, 20 or 30 years. But I need to live thru to that age, I need to find what I am looking for now, at this point of my life. You can't jump over to the next step. You will likely trip and fall.

But if one day when I'm old and if I happen to be married for a long long time, I will put my scepticism aside and I'll say to my wife: You know, when we fell in love and married so many decades ago, it must have been fate that brought us together. Now I know it. Because you are the love of my life, you made me happy like nobody else, you completed me and you lasted with me almost all my life. That's where I do believe in the concept of fate.

How about you?

[Photo: Source]

About autumn rain

Is it a coincidence that rain rhymes with pain and sun rhymes with fun? Is it a coincidence that rain resembles tears?

I don't know why autumn rain makes me melancholic. I'm tired today and it's been raining all day and it may continue so the next two days. When you're alone, weather matters. A sunny day will make you forget all your fears and insecurities, a rainy day will make you face them. Rain makes you stay inside. You gaze out of the window and you contemplate: Why am I confined to this little space? I want to break free, I want to leave, I want to go far far away... I want to escape gloominess and run away from my inner demons. I just want to be happy.

爱 Rain has no effect on me when I have my loved one beside me. I imagine snuggling on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and watching TV... It may be the most boring scene ever. You know, slippers on the floor... dreamy eyes, cracking bones... On the other hand: Giggling, tickling, rubbing the cheeks, kissing... And it can rain as much as it wants! I couldn't care less! [I need you in my life.] Because I want to see the glow in her eyes, when I intertwine my fingers with hers and pull her near to kiss her. I want her to change my four-seasons mindset into life.

怼 I have once been broken up while walking outside and it suddenly started pouring like doomsday. We ran back to her house, she gave me a towel and I wiped off the rain from my face. Soon after, her father drove me to the train station and I never saw her again. I once drove someone to the airport and it was raining a lot. We were hopeful. I never saw her again.

Ah, rain. we're in a love-hate relationship.
But my tears always dry. So does the rain.

[Photo: Rain outside my house]

Communication is the key to solve every problem...

Two people, two genders...

Far far away from each other...

Communicating in a foreign language...

Light words become heavy, emotions boil...

Explosion, sadness, withdrawal...

Peace, reflection, regrets...

Return to communication...

Apologies, smiles, hope...

Happiness, confidence...

Hope again.

[Photo: Source]

Why I love and adore women

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
(by James Thurber)

Women in my childhood

I love and adore women. I can really say I am blessed (or cursed) by and with women. I have two sisters and a very awsome mom, who is more like a friend than a mother. That goes back to my childhood. I was always closer to her than to my dad. When they divorced (I was 7 years old), I had to live with my father in town and went to school there, while my sisters moved to the countryside with my mom. I had a very tough time with him. Especially the adolescent years were bad. My father used to beat me and humiliate me and his (at that time new) girlfriend was not very nice to me either. I've been totally shy during my early teen years and had very low self esteem. At the age 16, I decided to run away. I planned it for a long time, but many times my atempts failed, because my father intimidated me. But I eventually fled and it was the best thing I ever did. Of course my father was furious, but I didn't care anymore. I moved into a big old house with 3 women. Life was so much different from then on. Of course, there were problems, but nevertheless, I learned so much for my whole life. I have to say I enjoyed being the only male among them. That had a big influence on my life after, because I started to hang out with girls more than boys. In secondary school, all my best friends were girls and I learned even more about women during that time. I just connected better with them. It seemed like whenever I started a friendship with a guy, I eventually got disappointed. That happened a lot of times when I was in my secondary school. These were shallow guys, talking dirty, looking down on women, objectifying them or just rambling about irrelevant things that didn't interest me.

Women in my adulthood

During my time at the university, I also had many female friends. I studied outside my hometown and I was a bit lost in the big city: Most of my schoolmates came from all over the country and I didn't really connect well with many. But the few among them were all women. Also during this time, I met my first big love. It was probably the strongest feeling I ever felt for someone, which is usually the case with every first love. But most of these relationships fail and mine wa no exception: The girl crushed my heart by cheating on me and breaking up. That was the moment when I realized that women don't fumble when it's over. Once they make up their mind - it's over. At that time it was a big shock for me and I had a pretty rough time picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. It completely changed my life: It made me travel and led me to Asia, to my surprise. I dated 2 girls from that part of the world. I thought that my last one, a Chinese Malaysian, will be the one. When I met her, it was a big surprise for me (or maybe it wasn't?) when she told me she had 7 sisters! Seven! At that moment, I didn't know wheather it was a curse or a blessing for me. But when I got to know all of them, I really felt blessed. I connected with all of them very well and they really loved me. And all my previous experiences came in very handy. Yet... it wasn't enough to keep the relationship. Honestly, we seldom fought, we had lot's of fun moments, but we just weren't right for each other. Small things added up to the final break up. Anyway, I really treasure the whole experience and not only understand women better, I also had the privilege to peek into the world of Asian women, who subsequently became another big interest for me (as you can sense on my blog). And now I am here, single again, blogging, trying to figure out what to do in my life, planning my next steps. And I am blessed again. I met some great people, who follow my blog. And yes, it is no wonder, most of them are women. I think one can never learn enough about women, that's why I love to read your blogs, ladies... and love to drop some weird comments sometimes, hehe. Forgive me, please ;)

Women, my conclusions

For me, almost every woman is a treasure. When you unlock that box, you will get pearls and jewels, a beauty so radiant, that you won't ever forget. I really cherish the unforgettable moments I had with the women I adored. And it's not just the amazing skin-on-skin moments that nearly made me lose my mind, no, it's the times when I layed in bed and watched a movie and she layed on my chest. It's the time when I watched over her when she was sleeping and kissed her on the forhead and she didn't even know. It's the time when I teased her, made her laugh, saw the glow of happiness in her eyes. It's the time when I walked with her hand in hand, it's the kisses good-bye, the last hugs, tears... I've been thru so many kinds of emotions with women, that also includes the arguments, the sulking, the break-ups and the pain they induced. Nevertheless, the good predominates over everything else. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing a girl happy and making her happy. I've seen this, from very close to afar. And that's something that makes me really confident: Even though my relationships failed, I know I can make a woman happy. I can! Because I used to and I will be doing it once again. I think I understand women as much as a man can, because you can never fully understand a woman, of course. That's why I always try to give them the best I can, because I believe in what Oscar Wilde said so brilliantly: “How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” So, to all of you ladies out there, please have a high standard when it comes to guys, because you deserve the best: Only the best is good enough for you.