The Pep Talk

You may remember a while back, I was pursing a girl named Amber with high hopes I'd get (at the very least) a drunk, make-out sesh.

Having been with only one girl for six years, I missed out on opportunities to have drunken, make-out sessions with girls who I didn't have any interest in beyond the physical. These types of things usually happen during high school and, for the most part, college. It's like a twisted rite of passage. And I missed out.

Although I was pretty sure that Amber was as prime a candidate as any, I was ill-equipped to prepare for an evening under these circumstances. The only girl I had ever actively "planned" to make out with was my girlfriend; someone who wasn't just there to fulfill some physical need. Get my drift?

I found an old conversation between Leo and myself during the night I had Amber over for drinks. As almost all of my conversations with Leo about girls, I found it absolutely hilarious as well as insightful.

I think you might too.

Who says guys don't think about these things?

Listen to me, young grasshopper.

Leo: Whatever the signs, whatever the signals.... assume nothing. Treat her like... I wouldn't say a dude, but you know...
Leo: And don't forget to flirt. If you remember how.
So@24: Fuck you. I can flirt.
Leo: And I can fly.
So@24: Hang tight, I'm searching Google for a "suck it" emoticon.
Leo: Anyway. Small moves. Baby steps.
So@24: Uh huh.
Leo: Oh. And shampoo your crotch.
So@24: Fuck, man!
Leo: And clean your shit up before she comes over.
So@24: I'm heading to the store on my way home. What should I pick up? Rum?
Leo: It doesn't really matter--vodka or rum. Clear is better.
So@24: Chasers?
Leo: Vodka and Vanilla Coke are very effective clothing solvents
So@24: Vanilla Coke is risky.
Leo: Explain.
So@24: It's not an effective go-to. Some girls love it and some girls loathe it. I think I'm safe with Diet Coke.
Leo: Diet is safe. Libations check. You have a pre-funk playlist?
So@24: What?? For just me and her?
Leo: Absolutely. You have it playing when she comes in. Not loud, just background music.
So@24: Oh fuck me.
Leo: AND, most importantly, don't make it YOUR favorite pre-funk, make it her favorite. You're looking for crowd pleasers, not pop-punk.
So@24: Fuck you.
Leo: Maybe some shit that'll start a conversation. "You heard this/Who is this?" shit.
Leo: You need a second playlist though... This one is the tough one. You need a Naughty Business Mix.
So@24: No! This is where I draw the line. I'm not making a fucking "sexy" playlist. I can't do it. I just can't.
Leo: There's nothing more awkward than a silent, first make out.
So@24: It's cheesedick.
Leo: No man, it's not like... breathy-"Hang on, let me put on some music" shit. Unless shit goes down earlier in the evening, the make out isn't going to happen until later, perhaps even an hour or two AFTER you get home.
Leo: So you just put that shit on as background noise. Don't think of it as a "sex mix", think of it as a "chillax mix"
So@24: My curiosity is getting the best of me, what do you suggest?
Leo: Well, there's a fine line. Can't be too obvious (Manilow), but there's nothing worse than music that's too upbeat. Which you have a lot of.
Leo: When in doubt, go classic. Some slower Beatles. "Norwegian Wood" is a great example of a nice balance in vibe. Not too much percussion, but not "cheesedick" either.
So@24: What do you think I'm going to throw on? Fucking Sting's "Fields of Gold"?
Leo: ...
So@24: Fuck you.