He Said / She Said Vol 2: Dating an Atheist

Welcome to Volume 2 of the He Said / She Said.

Two different views, one male, one female, on the same topic.

This edition is written with the blogger Emmeline from Harmful if Swallowed.

Read her response here.

Emmeline had written me an email a few weeks ago (amongst a few others in response to a sentence in this post). Here is a quick excerpt:

The main thing that piques my interest is our different religious associations. You call yourself an atheist. I call myself a Christian. In the end, we are both two American, 20-something Democrats with a good sense of humor and a penchant for drinking on the weekends.

It just makes me wonder . . . why am I Christian and you're not? How can two people who live halfway across the country from each other share so many similarities but be so different on this fundamentally important issue?

* * *

I can't begin to count how many times I've come across a girl (in some form or another) who seems to have the makings of some one who I'd be interested in learning more about and discover that they usually are a combination of the following things:

• cute
• witty, funny, or at least appreciate things that are
  
• short
  
• we share the same obscure interests (e.g. she might casually mention that her favorite feeling is when you come back from recess and you see your book order waiting on your desk)

If a girl has even just two of these things, it's enough to get me giggling like a school girl.

But then I found out that they are "religious".

And then I ironically yell an exasperated, "Goddammit!"

As an atheist, it's like racing down a hill on your brand new Huffy only to have someone suddenly shove a ski pole through your front spokes.

A very quick, Reader's Digest version of my religious upbringing and how I came to be an atheist. I was brought up in a Christian household. We said prayers before meals, we went to church on Sundays, during the summers my aunt had us watch McGee and Me. I didn't grow up in a insanely strict, religious environment. It was never forced down my throat.

However, for as long as I can remember, it never clicked with me. I'd go to Youth Group or sit at Sunday service, look to the person on my left, then to the person on my right and think to myself, "I just don't believe any of this." I felt extremely guilty that I couldn't force myself to believe in The Bible and God. At the age of 8 or 9, I finally built up the courage and told my mother that I wasn't going to church anymore. And that was that.

Of course, if the cute, Church girls in high school were going on a field trip... well, I had to go. Oops.


I have spent a lot of this blog bitching and moaning about how difficult it is to date girls. It's been an unfruitful journey to find decent, attractive and intellectually stimulating girls who, in turn, find the same qualities in me.

It's even harder to find a girl who fits all the above AND ALSO doesn't believe in God.

da girl chart.

I'm slowly coming to the realization that I'm going to have to be okay with dating someone who isn't an atheist. If I were to immediately dismiss every single girl based on this, my dating window becomes smaller than it already has been.

However, I get that I might be presumptuous thinking it works that way for the other team. From my understanding, it's either all or nothing. It's one area that can't be compromised; especially if you're investing for the long run.

I feel like a fucking leper (See? I can drop a bible ref when appropriate!) when it comes to being an atheist in the dating world. I wouldn't say I'm scared to admit it, because I'm proud of who I am and will defend my view if asked. But it's not a shocker that we get a bad rep. I just happen to live in a country that is predominately Christian.

When I constructed an online dating profile, I was warned by a reader to completely take out the word "Atheist" and simply stick with, "Very respectful of others' beliefs as long as they aren't proselytizing." Of course, that's completely true. I'm NOT attracted to anyone who doesn't accept and respect another person's ideas or beliefs (and this goes for atheists too).

I suppose it's all about how you spin it in the beginning, right? And later on down the line, it has to be about compromise. She wants to get married in a church and a traditional Christian wedding? Alright, fine. But she'll have to compromise on her end at some point. After all, it's all about compromise, right?

If I can leave all the religious folk with one thing, I'd like to urge you to keep an open mind with us atheists (if you don't already). We're not Bible burners. We don't think you're unintelligent or less of a person for your beliefs. We love our families, we're good with kids, we got choked up during Slumdog Millionaire, we know the lyrics to Paul Simon's "You Can Call me Al".





We're just like you.

Except for that one part.