Nope. I didn't fly to Portland to meet her.
Nope. That conversation never really took place.
It looks like my large boombox (with "In Your Eyes" on repeat), trench coat, and high tops will have to be dusted off for another day.
It seems bizarre to me that a conversation of this magnitude would be held over AOL's Instant Messenger, but knowing Beth and knowing that she has a terrible history of confronting anything real or substantial.
Over our usual IM conversations, she informed me that she got a day off work so that I could afford a trip up. But she was quick to point out that she didn't see the purpose in talking face to face because "it wouldn't change anything"(seriously, Beth? Seriously?).
I'll spare you the entire dialog, but here are some of the highlights of the conversation:
Beth: There are important aspects of your life I can't ignore and I wouldn't want to chance our possible relationship on those. It's been really confusing and not knowing what to do. I just wish things were different.
Beth: There was a point where I was like, "f it" and just take the plunge, putting it all out on the table and seeing if we could make something happen. But we can't do it, it wouldn't work, it'd be disastrous.
Trust me when I say that even getting THIS much out of this girl is like Anne Sullivan's breakthrough with Helen Keller in the Miracle Worker. Even though her conversation is mostly made up of the most frustrating, vague cliche's that would leave any person to walk away from that conversation scratching their head like a chimpanzee. I guess beggars can't be choosers.
So the conclusion? Nothing.
I'm not losing sleep over this, nor am I pining about "what could be"? With a long enough gap of never addressing things has a direct effect how how much I care. All I wanted to do was to figure out what was going on, why we did couple-y shit, and what she thought it all meant.
If anything this is a lesson learned in the Land of Singledom:
It's not worth the time and effort to try and convince someone to talk about romantic issues if they're fighting tooth and nail (wouldn't she want to if she felt it was important?). I've just grown jaded and tired of the whole situation. It shouldn't be this much of an uphill fight.
She's still my friend.
But the dynamics will certainly change next time we visit each other. I'm going to make it mandatory that we sew ourselves in burlap sleeping bags like in Civil War time.
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