I Hate Hollywood

Never again.

Never again am I going to some hot Hollywood dance club or bar unless I'm on some list. And even then I might attempt to finally drink an entire jar of pickle juice instead.

Allow me to support my thesis with evidence. I'll be specific.

Called the girl (let's call her Nikia) after work. She informed me that they were going out to a bar called Opera. I never heard of it, but then again, my group of friends NEVER go out these types of bars/clubs. I grit my teeth, "Come on, she's only in town once." I pick up a fifth of vodka and some orange juice to prefunk with before heading out.

Get a call hours later, they are still getting ready (figures) so the prefunk most likely won't happen.

So@24: So I bought this vodka for nothing??
Nikia: After party. Duh.

I forgot why I love this girl.

So I down a few cans of courage juice and drag Leo with me. We head out to Hollywood and it takes us a good 20 mins to find parking. Thursday night. Hollywood. Not surprising.

Walk a few hundred blocks to Opera, just as we approach the line I get a call.

Nikia: We just found out it's a private party. We're going to Area instead!

Jesus. Turning on our heels we head back to the car and drive to Area. Fucking Area. One of the most talked about clubs in LA. There's no way a couple of douche bags like ourselves are getting in (we have penises).

The line outside isn't that large, but it's clear that the line we're in isn't getting in. Tons of beautiful, and I'm talking gorgeous, girls flood from the streets and bat their eyelashes at the club promoters who are sporting the latest ratted tshirts and blazers. Their C cups pouring out the top of their dresses with gams that go on for ages. It's really quite an experience.

I'm calling Nikia back to back to back. Getting voicemail and starting all over again. I do this about 25 times hoping that she'll hear it over Rihanna or feel the faint vibration in her purse. She doesn't answer.

I hate myself and I know Leo is feeling the same. We both roll our eyes at each other that we are even STUCK in this situation. This is not our scene. Complete Hollywood dicks are calling over the bouncers name dropping like crazy. More often than not, this technique doesn't work.

Now I'm getting pissed. These girls know that we're meeting them and they aren't even calling to see why it's taking us so long? They aren't even checking their phones periodically? Unbelievable. UnFUCKINGbelievable. At this point I have both of my hands on top of my head looking at Leo in disbelief. I feel like I sold out my soul.

So@24: Let's just leave. I'm serious. This is sucking my lifeblood being a part of this.
Leo: Let me try something first.

Leo gets the attention of the bouncer.

"Excuse me. My friend here has some friends from out of town he hasn't seen in years. Can he pop in and say 'Hello'. I'll stay out here."

I get a nod and the sacred velvet rope is pulled aside... JUST FOR ME! I wait in a SECOND line and spend the next 8 mins eavesdropping on "who might be inside!"

I can feel the club's music while in line. The music is rattling my ribcage and I push my way through to try and find Nikia.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a busty blonde girl in a dark, popular Hollywood club? It's like trying to find Waldo in that one part where there's a million Waldos in the Land of Waldos. Yeah, the real one is without a shoe, jackass.

I get body checked about 3 times, weaving in and out of grinding couples. I'm bending into crowds of people to get a better look at faces. I must have looked like a complete creep.

My search leads me to the dance floor and I see them.

Nikia: Oh my God! AHHH! Where have you been!?
So@24: Outside for the last 30 mins! How come you guys didn't even check on me? Nice to see you by the way, you look good.
Nikia: Thanks. Well, let's get a drink! I haven't seen you in ages! Oh my God, is that a beard?? I love you, you haven't changed a bit, you weirdo.
So@24: I can't stay, my roommate is outside waiting for me. I'm lucky I even got in to say "hi".
Nikia: Sad. Well, I think we're going to Winston's afterward? Drinks at your place after that then?
-my jaw drops-
So@24: Yeah. Fine. Just call me. Good seeing you.

I leave the club, shaking my head in disbelief at Leo. We head back and I go to straight to bed.

Ladies, your gender scored a big, fat, fucking F last night. God, I hate Hollywood.

'Least I have an entire fifth left.





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Now playing: Yes - Owner of a Lonely Heart