She spun me a story that I am all too familiar with and one that I imagine isn't a rare instance. She told me that she had just recently "given up" on a guy who she was extremely close with. They were more than just "buddies", he had told her how much he cared about her, and she had held out hope that they one day might be able to make something work.
You can see where this story is going, I'm sure. She waited. He fed her what she wanted to hear. Alas, nothing ever came from the friendship and she just recently had learned to let it go.
This reader was admitting to me that she was humiliated by herself for believing that what he was telling her had merit. And this got me thinking about my own experience.
I told her that she should not be embarrassed about her actions. It's not her fault and it's actually "okay" to have faith that people have good intentions. You can't go around always suspecting that people have ulterior motives or have some kind of trick up their sleeve. Sometimes, you have to go with your gut or you'll always think back and wonder "what if".
It reminded me of my story with Beth.
I haven't mentioned her in awhile, because we haven't communicated since the wedding.
She was one of my best friends from college and one of the few people I really connected with. We stayed in a weird, friend limbo for years... but when I stepped up and started pointing out the goddamn elephant in the living room... nothing came of it.
Beth knew what to say to keep me coming back for more; she perfected the art of hinting that perhaps one day we'd be more than just best friends. I think that she knew if she didn't keep pumping what I wanted to hear into me, keeping me holding out for "maybe it'll happen...", she knew that the attention I shamelessly showered her with would eventually disintegrate.
Eventually, it takes something to make you realize that enough is enough. And I believe that something is different for everyone; you can't predict it. Waiting for words to turn into actions gets old. And the words that once made your heart pump at an unhealthy speed soon become words that make you want to wretch.
I think my "something" was the day I realized that it should never be this much work to have someone like you. If you're working too hard, it's never worth it. Who wants to be with someone you have to try and convince? To explain why it would be a great thing? What kind of "how we met story" is that?
"Well Timmy, your father just kept holding out, holding out, and being persistent as fuck even though I had kept avoiding the subject entirely."
-places hand on shoulder of father-
"And finally, after our 23rd discussion on why we should be together (actually it was more HIM talking than me, so I guess it's not really a discussion per se)... I finally threw my hands up in surrender! And here we are today. Want a cookie?"
My something was the day I realized I knew I could get a hold of someone (via text, Skype, or email) who lived across the Atlantic... more than I ever could with Beth. And it's not just me making the effort to talk, I find that I too, wake up with "Good morning!" texts and emails waiting for me. Beth and I had some great times together, but if I was going to be honest with myself... she really wasn't even a good friend, whether she really did have feelings for me or not.
* * *
I think a fair amount of people have the unfortunate luck of experiencing something like this. It's extremely humiliating to feel like you've been duped... that your instincts were dead wrong.
If I were to do it all over again, I would. Perhaps I wouldn't have let it last as long as I did before I put a foot down. But I don't regret at all giving someone a chance to prove me wrong. I'll continue to have faith that there are some people out there mean what they say and have good intentions. No regrets.
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