Grenade Jumper, I ain't

A funny thing I noticed about Leo. Whenever he's planning on hooking up with a girl, he makes his bed. Most of the days, his bed looks like mine... a pathetic, wrinkled comforter strewn haphazardly across the mattress.

Shaving, showering, hair cuts, changing clothes... these are aren't nearly as important as tucking in his linens and arranging his pillows in a perfect, symmetrical fashion.

Reminds me of when male birds clean their nests to court female birds. I feel like I study the habits of my roommate as a single male much like Jane Goodall did with the chimpanzee. I jotted on my notepad, "Maybe I should start making my bed."

But unfortunately for my roommate, this was the first time I saw him make his bed and have it not be "used" within a 24 hour period. Here's why...

***

Leo's had his scope on this one girl, but her friend "that shitty girl" is always at her side when they come over. So guess who has to deal with her? I suppose at this point I should give her a name, since I've blogged about her enough. I held it off because I didn't think she'd be around long enough to merit an alias. -sigh- Alright, fine. Let's call her Sherry.

Not only am I not physically attracted to "shitty girl", but having a conversation with her is absolutely painful. It's excruciating. You ever know someone who is "totally into art" and wants to "meet creative minds"? For the record, anyone who says they want to meet "creative minds" is full of shit.

Sherry sits down and pulls up a seat right next to her. "Come here, So@24. Sit down here and tell me something fascinating!"

What the fuck does that even mean? I look to Jenny to save me from this convo. She's busy bouncing quarters into glasses. Figures.

I take a seat and she props her head on her knuckles and smiles (why is that annoying the shit out of me??).

So@24: Where's your drink?

Sherry looks at me like I just asked her the most absurd, out-of-the-blue question anyone has ever received.

Sherry: Why do I need a drink? I don't need to drink to have a conversation.
So@24's Inner Monologue: Ahhh, I should have expected an awkward response from you. Kudos. Kudos. You aren't drinking? You're not the DD? Well, then why did you come to a party??

***

Fast forward to after the bars. It feels like college again. Everyone is hanging out in my room, drinking beers, and iTunes is blaring Toto's "Africa". Jack is laying game on my friend Jenny. Leo is laying his game on his girl. And then there is Sherry. There's absolutely no way I'm going to grenade jump for Leo. Under different circumstances (e.g. him never knowing the warm embrace of a woman, me having an entire bottle of Jaeger, etc.) I would have considered it.

But nope. Not gonna happen. Homeboy can fend for himself on this one.

It's getting late. Sherry is getting a little... ballsy. Leo's girl and Sherry are both laying on my bed, but Sherry at one point wraps her legs around my torso... while I'm standing. Why can't this ever happen with girls that I'm interested in?

So@24 tears off shirt, drops to knees and looks to the heavens: Why!? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy!?

I felt like Dirk the Daring getting crushed by tentacles wrapped around me.

back the eff up, son

Enough's enough. Time to go. Leo's girl does not end up staying the night. Why? She would have, but she has to take Sherry home, of course! Jack leaves. Jenny stays.

Jenny: Can I borrow a pair of boxers and a t-shirt?

Whoa. I have not had to give a girl a pair of boxers and a t-shirt since, God knows how long. But man, it's been awhile.

I drunkenly fumble through some drawers, but one rule I remembered! I found a shirt and a pair of boxers that I really don't like that much, in case she runs off with them. I toss her my green pair of boxers that's design is spattered with burgers and fries.

Jenny:: You only have one pillow!
So@24: Oh right. Uh... Leo? Some help, buddy?

Of course, I only have one pillow. Lynn took her's!

A pillow is thrown from Leo's door frame.

We immediately passed out like kittens, absolutely PLATONIC, of course... it's what good friends do.