Awkward Asian Aunts

I have a large, large asian family. I can't begin to recount how many uncomfortable moments I've had between my aunts regarding social interactions tandem with our different cultures. But one of the major differences is their ability to call you out on anything they feel is necessary. A few examples:

• My cousin and bestfriend Mimi is not your typical 110 lbs. Vietnamese waif. She is taller and definitely a little thicker, but not in anyway would you call her "fat". For as long as I can remember, she has constantly gotten shit from my relentless aunts and uncles regarding her weight. My favorite dialog that has come out of this particular scenario:

"Hey Mom, did you know that the average person swallows 4 spiders in their sleep?"
"I wonder how many spider you swallow then! Probably a million!"

• I had a bit of an acne problem in high school. But who didn't, right? I would dread going to family functions if I had the slightest pimple, red mark, blemish, etc. Our conversations would go as such:

"Hi Aunt Lou, how are you?"
*a concerned frown*
"Wha happin to you face!? You need to go see Vietnamese doctoh! Eek! This es so bad! You need to go see doctoh, trust me!"

But I went into this family reunion with nothing to worry about! I had lost that angsty, adolescent pizza face. There is nothing that my aunts could say to shove me in that hole of embarrassment that they are so good at doing.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. I guess my dad never told the rest of the family that my girlfriend of 6 years, Lynn, had broken up with me. One night during the family retreat, over the clamor of a later night poker game, a thin finger poked my shoulder blade. I turned to see my tiny Aunt Hoa.

Aunt Hoa: What happin to yo gir-fren? She didn't want to come?
So@24: Oh. Uh. We're not together anymore.
Aunt Hoa: Whaaaaaaaat!? Why!? She was so beautiful! So beautiful! And preeeety! Oh no. What happin?
So@24: Yeah, she was. Yes. She was very pretty.
Aunt Hoa: Oh no. Oh no. She don't like you? She meet someone else?
So@24: Yeah, yeah. She met someone else.
Aunt Hoa: She was so beautiful.

Gotta love your family.

More on my thoughts about my return to home soon.