Please Hammer, Don't Settle.

I've had this post rattling around in my brain for awhile now. I wasn't sure of how to go about writing it and I didn't want readers to think I was pandering to my audience. However, keep in mind when reading, it's really a selfish act on my part. It's more for me than anyone else.

I think the catalyst for this post comes from a few recent experiences. In a few days my trial period for my failed online dating profile expires, so I thought I'd dedicate one last evening to eBrowsing.

It just depressed the hell out of me. Not a single one out of this round was the least bit funny or witty. It was the same bland shit, but the worst part is... these girls thought they were being original. Apparently the only piece of reading material readily available in the city of Los Angeles is US Weekly. Really? You love sushi? Oh and you "work really hard, but also know how to party"? Music is important to you too, huh?

I think I actually took off my glasses and rubbed my bored eyes at one point before I closed the online dating window for the last time. I don't mean to be harsh. I also enjoy going out for uncooked fish. I don't care (that much) that you indulge in shitty celebrity gossip magazines, I can accept that... I have my guilty pleasures as well. I too am a guy who takes his career very seriously, but also likes to abuse my liver on weekends. But for fuck's sake, where's the funny? Where's the wit? Where's the effort?

The second catalyst came from an email from an author of one of the funniest blogs I've come across, Kim from whatclaudiawore. It's primarily a fashion blog; if I'm forced to categorize it. But if you take a moment to read, it's fucking hilarious. I don't give two shits about fashion, but her writing alone is worthy of an instant "bookmark". Trust me.

Kim wrote to me asking for my thoughts on a dating situation she found herself in. I won't go into details, but I found myself shocked that a girl with her sense of humor had any trouble at all with the dating scene. I don't know if I helped her out at all with my opinion on her situation, but I did stress to her at the end of my response, that if anything... the other guy should be stressing about being able to keep up with her quick wit. Not the other way around.

And I didn't just blow through that email. I actually found myself erasing entire paragraphs and starting over, because I felt I wasn't being funny enough in my response.

This is my plea to all the genuinely funny girls* out there. To the girls that have actually caused me to laugh out loud. Please. Pleasepleasepleaseplease. Don't settle for guys that don't appreciate your humor. They may be good looking, they may have that devil-may-care visage, they may be "nice enough", but if they "don't get you" than turn and run. Make them show up and play to your level.

You're too rare of a resource to be wasted on mediocre dudes. Let the unfunny girls be with the unfunny guys. And don't feel sorry for them, there are plenty of both to go around; they won't be lonely for long. That's the way it should be; we have classes for a reason people!

I've seen it happen too many times. A girl ends up with a guy who has no idea how hilarious she is naturally. Sometimes, even the girl has no clue that she is funny. And each time I see this tragic scenario I do a Captain Jean Luc Picard face palm:

Yeah. One of these.

I want Violet to be able to strategize with her next boyfriend about how they are going to survive the zombie apocalypse. I even want Beth to whisper in the ear of a boy her secret fantasy of having relations on Snick's Big Orange Couch and have the guy know exactly what she's talking about. I don't want Lynn to try and explain to deaf ears why purchasing Hostess' Snowballs purely for the sake of smushing them in your barehands is fun.

Girls. You few-and-far-between, hilarious girls. Don't settle for just being eye candy. I'm not saying that your boys have to funny, I'm just saying that they have to legitmately think YOU are funny.

I think I feel so passionately about this subject, because it's a fear that I have too. The same paranoia I have for you, I have for myself. I worry that Future So@24 is going to go into panic mode and just pick someone just because I feel fortunate enough to find someone who shows interest in me and is "kinda cute". I don't want that. I want a funny girl.

Hey. Let's both not settle.

Deal?

While there are moments of disbelief, I don't despair. There are those who despair when single -- they feel compelled to find the one, move in, get married. I see my tenure in singlehood as exercise in the refinement of taste. When I choose, I know it'll be a fuck-all great choice. So yeah. I'm going to take my sweet ass time.

- Leo, via gchat

* Dizz, Saratoga Jean, D... you're just some of the few I'm looking at.
** The title of this entry was a play off MC Hammer's hit album "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em"

Another Post Referencing The Wonder Twins

** I recommend you don't read further if you're not into The Wonder Twins or sickening saccharine flirtation. Yes. This is another entry that is chock-full of both.

Violet: You can be my Wonder Twin. You would turn into water and I would turn into the animal.
So@24: Why do you get to be the animal??
Violet: Because the girl turns into animals.
So@24: Power of... STEAM!
Violet: What would happen if you turned into a puddle and I drank you? Would you die?
So@24: I'd probably turn into beads of sweat on your body.
Violet: Would you like that?
So@24: It'd be the closest I've been to a woman's body in years.
Violet: How can you stand it??
So@24: I use my humor to mask my pain.


If you take anything away from this conversation, it is these points.

1. Apparently my "game" exists only on the internet.
2. My little heart flutters for girls who just might be as toolish as me.
3. I am probably the only person in the world to use a Hanna Barbera cartoon as a means of sexual innuendo.




* I reference the Wonder Twins in another post here.

Zombie Love

** I recommend you don't read further if you're not into zombies or gratuitous flirtation. Yes. This entry is chock-full of both.

Violet: So, I'm really afraid that if there were a zombie apocalypse, that you would be eaten. Right away.
So@24: Nuts to you. I've already planned what I'd do if there was an attack.
Violet: Really??
So@24: Doy. You have to.
Violet: What's your plan?
So@24: Gotta get to water. Take the back roads to Santa Monica... the freeways will be jammed. If I can, pick up the roommates. Hijack a boat.
Violet: Hahaha! The idea of your hijacking anything!
So@24: What?? I'm from the streets, girl.
Violet: You're from Washington.
So@24: The STREETS of Washington!
Violet: Yeah. My point exactly.
So@24: Why do you think I'd be toast anyway?
Violet: I just feel like you have this big squishy heart that would be so overwhelmed by seeing friends or family or coworkers going zombie, that you give in the sadness would over come you
So@24: You only know blog So. I'm bad ass. What about you??
Violet: I would become a silent killer, stalking the woods... people would eventually hire me to kill problem zombies.
So@24: I don't think you have the killer instinct in you. You're too shy.
Violet: Shy has nothing to do with it. I'll be a lot of serial killers were "shy". I have never been hunting, but I would learn very quickly. Zombies aren't human anymore, they're vermin.
So@24: I can't believe you'd live out in the woods. So rookie. Zombies could be lurking anywhere, you're a sitting duck.
Violet: Yeah, only if you take a defensive approach... we all know that I'm a little too hungry to kill, for that. Obviously you have doubts in my abilities, but that's okay. I'll make you a believer.
So@24: Are you going to hunt me?
Violet: Of course not! Unless you want me to...
So@24: Dammit. I was just going to say that. You took my opportunity for a smooth line.
Violet: Hey, you gotta think fast
So@24: Gotta think fast if you're going to kill zombies for profit. I can think of a great movie poster for this.
Violet: Oh1 It would be so awesome! I can just imagine it! Somehow I think yours would be more Army of Darkness style
So@24: EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING!
Violet: I have to iron out the details. But I would look really bad ass. Hair would be longer and blowing in the wind. My clothes would be torn too and I would have long, dangley earrings. They're a hazard, but I like to take risks!
So@24: I'll be shirtless except for a couple of straps crossed over my chest in an X shape that have grenades lining them. You have to be looking up at me longingly.
Violet: What you need is a beautiful woman with tons of cleavage who is hanging onto your left leg, but obviously I can't be her because I'm far too empowered for such a demeaning role.
Violet: Okay, maybe if I have a rocket launcher over my shoulder.
So@24: Hey. It's MY fantasy poster, I GET to make up the rules! You can have a knife in your mouth.
Violet: You are cracking me up! Okay okay, I'll do whatever you want.
So@24: Okay fine... an AK.
Violet: You are such a delight.




Nothing quite the sensation of having a girl who can keep up and can make you laugh out loud in your cube.