The Ugly One.

My roommate Leo has decided leave Los Angeles* and in doing so, quit his job.

Which means he bought a keg and we had a party.

Around 2:00, the high point of most parties, I got a phone call from my ex-girlfriend Lynn. Huh. This is highly unusual. I stepped away from the clamor of the beer pong table to take the call in my room.

Drunk dial. Hammered. Which is fine; I too was unable to operate heavy machinery. However, before either of us could get a word in, a "sober" Leo came boundin' in from the other room.

Leo: Who is that??
So@24: Lynn
Leo: Oooh, ooh lemme talk to her!

So for the next 20 mins., Leo and Lynn shared a drunken discussion while I returned to the living room to regain my honor at flip cup.

Leo came out of the room.

So@24: What did you two talk about??
Leo: Wow. Lynn has certainly grown up.

sour look on my face.

Leo: I know her number.

I clasped my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes shut tight.

So@24: JFSDHFN8E7R9R84JSDFERWWAAWESJIFWE7R!!
Leo: What?? What??
So@24: Dude! I don't want to know her number!
Leo: Fine fine, I won't tell you. But I'm telling you, it's not that bad.
So@24: Can we just stop talking about it??

Doesn't he know that any number other than 1 is a high number??

I met up with Lynn for lunch the following day and as we shared a plate of chili cheese fries, my conversation with Leo kept running through my head.

I'm a big boy. And as a big boy, I know that an attractive, 23 year old female, who recently discovered that drinking is fun (I kept trying to tell her) and is single is going to have her day in the sun. She's going to make out with boys and yes, she's probably going to sleep with a few of them.

What bothered me is the incessant urge that you always need to keep up with the ex! This weird entitlement to have that same number or experiences!

As I nodded at whatever she was saying and dunked my squiggly fry into ranch, I suddenly thought a horrid thought:

Was I the ugly one in the relationship?

I heard somewhere** that in 9/10 couples... one is always the clearly more attractive. And that one happens to be the girl.

Fuckbeans. Was I that guy?? Am I that troll who out of sheer, dumb luck, got the hot girl? Is this why she's beating me in this juvenile competition that exists only in my warped mind??

Right now, think about it. You KNOW you can name one! Look around! These couples are everywhere! Absolute bombshells are draped over these buckled bastards.

As Lynn continued with her story, she pulled back a strand of hair that had fallen out of place to reveal those shimmery, green eyes. I felt my bitterness bubble. And I thought about where I am at in the dating game, compared to the girl sitting directly across from me... it's the only explanation that makes logical sense to me.

Fuck. Maybe I can be that guy again someday! After all, the chances are in my favor.




* a post to be saved for later
** a statistic that I made up, suckers.